Someone emailed me this a while ago: Japanese banking crisis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Origami Bank folded last night. Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went belly up and Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans to cut back some of its branches. Kamikaze Bank took a dive and 1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. Onsen Bank has taken a bath and even Miso Bank is in the soup. The share value of Samurai Bank has been slashed. On the plus side, now is a good time to buy Karaoke Bank, its shares can be had for a song. So, I came up with some of my own: Hundreds were cut at Ginsu bank, as well. Not all the news is bad. Shares in Hiroshima & Nagasaki banks have mushroomed. Assets of Seppuku bank have been gutted. My sources state that Zen bank is contemplating it's naval portfolio. The Zen bank naval portfolio was apparently mostly Chinese junk bonds. Government examiners have been grilling executives of Hibachi bank. Godzilla bank is rumored to be mostly responsible for wrecking the Tokyo exchange. In yet another ethics probe, Benihana bank has been accused of flipping shrimp stocks. Japanese ATM users are angry because as fees skyrocket, the usefulness of the ATM card decreases. Customers at Pokémon bank lament that their cards are now practically worthless. As the Japanese ecconomic crisis widens, Chinese restaurants are feeling the squeeze. Though their prospects are still bright, analysts expect them to dim some. More bad news today, as profits at Katana bank continued to drop along a sharp curve. Corporate pirates have taken over the Bank of Somalia, while the Bank of Egypt has fallen to pyramid schemes. Falling oil prices have driven Australian petroleum futures down under their all-time low. Meanwhile, in Iceland all bank assets have been frozen. Individual Asian stocks continue to suffer, as shares in the Royal Chinese Acrobats have tumbled. Confident Israeli ecconomic strategists expect the current troubles to passover their country completely. In the U.S., Chemical bank has tried for a comeback, but is still insolvent. First Bank of Alaska is investing in fur futures, and hopes to seal the deal soon. The Bank of New Orleans expects the state to levy new corporate taxes soon. Some good news today in Japan, as Tsunami bank reports that it expects to ride the recent investment wave. The Bank of Peru reported that guano exports contributed to a gross national product. The Bank of Scotland skirted disaster when a poor third quarter report kilt investor confidence. Grey Poupon and French's investors saw a healthy dividend last quarter, as consumers mustered confidence. Cheese futures dropped in value, as day traders milked dairy shares. Poor earnings reports kept chipping away at Frito-Lay shares all day. Bank of Idaho executives were all eyes today as a major potato producer dug-in and appealed for new loan terms. Belgian stocks waffled today on modest earnings reports. Butter futures churned lower again today. During questioning by examiners, the head of Easter Island bank sat stone-faced. Stockholders at the annual meeting of Weightwatchers, Inc., were told today that profits for the year would likely be thin, even after some gains around the holidays. After reorganizing early in the spring, Wells Fargo bank had plans to stage a comback later this year, but they were held-up. Golden Gate bank reported that a bridge loan was taken out by Marin County. The Bank of London has issued a bond for the making of a new 007 movie. The Red Army reported that due to recent high number of conscripts, it was having trouble balancing it's budget. Fortunately, they have overdraft protection. Facing a temporary cash shortage and desperately short of peanuts and caramel, the Hershey corporation was forced to take out a PayDay loan. When the Mustang Ranch first made a stock offering, most buyers got their shares Cum Dividend. This was largely due to insider trading. Most public companies doing tumor research offer excellent growth stock. The Bank of Lilliput has issued a halt to the short selling of mortgages. Pharmaceutical companies doing Lyme disease research can expect an uptick in their share prices. Fisherman's Bank reported net earnings floundered last month, but have been bouyed this month by a rising tide of consumer confidence. In the USA there was a run on Chase bank today. Heinz took out a loan so they could modernize their packaging line and ketchup with competitor Del Monte. After months of declining value, shares of R.J. Reynolds were smoking this week. The Slinky corporation, another company stretched by shrinking profits, has bounced-back to profitability. Chia-Pet recently took out a major loan as seed money in a new product line. General Dynamics submarine division was rumored to have gone under; despite the company deep-sixing those rumors, they keep surfacing. The Bank of Copenhagen was about to be absorbed by the Bank of Helsinki, but the power in the hotel where the ceremony was taking place failed before they were Finnish. England's traditional currency took a pounding yesterday. International investors avoided deposits in Islamic banks, citing no interest. The Goodyear corporation has announced that it will build no more blimps, due to ballooning costs. A major furball erupted today during the shareholder's meeting of the CATS touring company. Bankers representing France's Pantomime Union today announced that they were trying to finance the union by "thinking out of the box". The NFL Referee's Credit Union investment trustee was penalized today for making bad calls on fourth-quarter gains. Back in Japan, the CEO of Kabuki bank was white-faced as he announced job cuts. The Japanese currency crisis continues to nip away at the average worker's earnings. Trading in food stocks was today halted on orders of the Japanese Diet. Pacific Rim bank was jolted by market tremors today as investors quaked on fears of recession. Competitors of Fuji bank accused it's CEO of making a mountain out of a mole hill at today's banking summit. Gains on Japanese whaling stocks turned out to be a fluke, as investors blubbered when faced with sudden losses. Pearl futures took a dive yesterday, and brokers clammed up as to why. Execs of the Bank of Peking ducked out of merger talks, reportedly because they were sauced. Wasabi stocks continue to be hot this week. The Lending Tree mortgage company could come under investigation for shady practices. Chinese porcelain futures cracked today under market pressure, shattering recent gains. Traders watched declining values with glazed eyes. Hemp growers are in joint talks with the makers of roach spray, but the outlook is fairly dank. Facebook.com accquired Mrs. Butterworth syrup yesterday in a take-over. The new product will be called "Mrs. Butterface". Hilton Hotels assumed control of Motel 6 in a hostel takeover. Serta Matress company today announced a share price cut in a blanket statement. "Shareholders will just have to take a few lumps", said the CEO. "Our stock price has been firm for too long, it was bound to sag eventually". Meguires car-care products CEO announced today that the company was closing. "I can't gloss over this", he stated, "Our competitors have thoroughly waxed us...they've rubbed us raw and now we're finished."