In addition to teaching honors calculus four times a week, I'm also currently working out on a treadmill in my home four times a week or so, and this week I'm watching the movie "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events" on the video player that faces the treadmill. The two influences have gotten a bit mixed up in my mind, and are inspiring fantasies of a gothic honors calculus supplementary text that begins something like this: "The calculus of Newton and Leibniz is one of the most beautiful and useful creations of the human mind. It is founded on two wonderful operations called integration and differentiation that fit together like hand and glove, forming a tight closed circle that admits no intrusions of discord or doubt. If you start with any function you like (or rather any function a sensible, emotionally balanced person would like), perform integration on it, and then perform differentiation on the result, you will find yourself back where you started. You will not have gotten anywhere. But why would you want to go anywhere? Why not stay where you are, where all is bliss and harmony? "If this is the sort of story you want to hear, Reader, I advise you to shut this book immediately and go purchase any of the hundreds of light-hearted calculus books on the market, many of which have colorful pictures of happy people doing happy, calculus things. "If, however, you want to know about the pathological functions that Newton and Leibniz never knew about --- the monstrous constructs from which nineteenth century mathematicians recoiled in horror --- then read on, and meet the subtle, mind-numbing creatures that have been relegated to the Calculus Closet. Let us open the door together: slowly, slowly..." Jim